Whoa...some topic, this is. I went from writing about a favourite book the other day to now writing down what I want to say to an ex. It's never easy to put some things into words but I've actually been thinking about this very thing a lot lately. I guess with each failed date or relationship I have, I find myself thinking back to that one person and that one relationship that I really thought was my 'forever'. At least, until I didn't...
After all, it was me who decided to walk away. After months and months of asking him for more, my confidence was at rock bottom. His refusal to love me the way I needed, made me feel worthless. So I gave up and walked away. For months, we tried to figure it out but neither of us were willing to budge in our positions. At that point, he was hurt badly and I was not willing to try more than he was. So it ended. He's since found someone else and I'm happy for them. Unfortunately, it hasn't stopped me from thinking of him and what could have been.
Even though I said goodbye,
I didn't want to.
Here are a few of the things I would say to him if I had the chance:
1) I'm happy you're happy. I really am. It sucks that you couldn't be that happy with me but if she makes you happy and you are able to make her happy, then that's all that really matters.
2) I keep looking for someone like you. We may have had our problems but you should know how high you have set the bar for me. I often walk away from a disappointing date wishing they had been smarter, funnier, kinder...who am I kidding, simply more like you. My "type" apparently resembles you but sometimes I think that I'm just looking for you.
3) I wish you could have loved me more. I loved you so much but it made me so sad that you couldn't love me back, at least not the way I needed to be loved. I needed you to hold my hand, kiss me and do things that would make me feel loved. Yes, like buying me flowers once in a while! I know (at least most of the time) that walking away was the right decision but it didn't mean that I wanted to.
4) We could have had a wonderful life. I don't doubt that. I can still imagine our kids, our cottage and our weekends full of friends and good times. When I picture my wedding, I can't help but still see the wedding I imagined having with you. I like to think that we would have grown old travelling the world and pushing each other to greater and greater heights.
5) I think I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. I can't help but still care about you and your family. I wonder whether I should have looked past our issues. Maybe I was being too shortsighted. I made the decision to walk away based on the best information I had at the time. I was hurting and needed to move forward. I have moved forward but it doesn't mean that I don't still think of the past.